I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
