Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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