I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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