his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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