The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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