I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
