if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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