8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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