he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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