I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
did i just pee glitter
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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