I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
