I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
