Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
