My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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