she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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