1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
