if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the day after is always just damage control
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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