Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
