How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
