I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
