Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i came on her dog
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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