My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
