omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
