Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
