Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
