Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
