We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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