Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
