nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
