How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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