Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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