If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
