if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
