I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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