'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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