So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize