i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
