If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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