I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
