Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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