You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
