this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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