Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
