I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
