you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
