He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
