I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
