I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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