this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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