Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
