so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
