If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
