Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
