mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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