We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
